• In This Issue . . . .

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• The Grammar of Good Communication
  by David Yarian, Ph.D.

• The Power of the Breath
  by Sandi Anders, M.Div.

• Product Feature: Breathwork Books and CD's

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No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor is it a discourse on the finer points of rhetoric!

There are some practical points which can make a powerful difference in the efficacy of your communication -- whether on the job, with your spouse or when you are among friends.

What is "good communication?" Much of what passes for conversation is a play with two performers, each impatiently waiting for the other to finish so they can declaim the lines they've been preparing as the other is talking.

Good communication is using words to express meaning -- clearly, efficiently and without ambiguity. This is most important in the communication which takes place between two people who want to make themselves understood in order to have a useful exchange of significant information about themselves or their relationship.

This information is likely to have an emotional component, and may be a complex mixture of fact and feeling. This is typically the language of relationship, though in reality many relationships are rather devoid of this level of communication

I read a research study long ago which looked at the quantity and quality of communication between spouses with children. The overall amount of communication between spouses was surprisingly small (twenty minutes a day, or thereabouts); of that some eighty to ninety percent was spent talking about the children, the day's schedule, plans to be made, or tasks to be done. Only some ten to twenty percent (of the twenty minutes!) was "relationship talk" between the spouses, where they shared feelings or meaningful dialogue about the nature of their relationship.

The need for more quality communication within marriages is the subject of another piece. Here I wish to make some structural or grammatical suggestions which can greatly enhance the efficiency and accuracy of complex communication.

It is important to make "I statements" -- sentences which begin with the word "I". "I feel tired today;" I am upset about X;" "I would like to go out to dinner tonight,". A common colloquialism in America is to say something like "You feel mad when someone cuts you off in traffic," when the meaning intended is "I feel mad when someone cuts me off...".

Attention to this simple structural detail of communication will greatly add to clarity and increased understanding. Too much important communication is muddied with vague or imprecise language. Of course, sometimes it feels safer to hide behind ambiguities or vagueness than to say what is really felt.

The little word "but" is very important -- it subtly but firmly negates all that has gone before. "You look nice in that dress, but...". That word signals the listener to pay particular attention to what follows, because there is the real point of the message! "I like you a lot, but..." In emotional or relationship communication, "but" is a slippery character. It allows the speaker to say all the right things in the first part of the sentence, and then slip the verbal knife between the ribs with the "but."

"Never" and "always" are likewise tricky words -- and rarely accurate. Communication which includes statements like "You always..." or "I never..." are likely to generate more heat than light. Life is rarely so simple that something is always or never the case.

In everyday speech, we often confuse feeling and thought. "I feel that the world would be a better place if..." is not a statement of feeling (emotion), but a thought or cognition. Relationships between people are based upon emotion; we are constantly listening for the subtle cues in conversation to see where we stand, or how our friend/spouse/lover is feeling towards us at this moment. Clarity in labelling emotions and thoughts helps the listener know how to receive the message.

Precise communication which captures the richness and nuance of emotion as well as thought is learned behavior. None of us is born knowing how to communicate clearly. It is possible to improve relationships by improving communication. Simple, direct, clear and unambiguous communication with those persons who are most significant is a skill well worth learning.

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David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-Help Books, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-Help Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-help resources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. He writes self-help articles on stress relief.

(c) 2005 Permission is granted to reprint this article in print or on your website as long as the paragraph above is included.

Prominent in the study of yoga and meditation is a focus on the breath. It seems that I am continually reminding my yoga students to take conscious, mindful breaths as they stretch and move. Often, a student will say to me, "I am forgetting to breathe!" Obviously they're not forgetting to breathe -- they're just not fully conscious of each breath as they take it in.

Breathing is the only function in our bodies that we do both consciously and unconsciously, Without this ability, our lives would be more complicated. Felicity Green, one of my favorite master Iyengar yoga teachers, says that dolphins must always think about each breath that they take. When it is time for rest, they put one half of their brain to sleep and swim in a circle. Later they put the other half of their brain to sleep and swim in the opposite direction!

Since we do not have to think about our breath in order for our bodies to function, what are some of the advantages of making our breathing a more conscious process?

1. Improved health.

Many illnesses such as irregular heart rhythms, hypertension and disorders of circulation and digestion can be caused or worsened by sustained stress. The body's mobilization to fight, flight or freeze can become a chronic condition in our fast-paced culture.

Spending some time each day in consciously breathing can actually reprogram our bodies, reduce the experience of stress, improve health, and be a powerful intervention for certain illnesses. Because the function of breathing is something we do both voluntarily and involuntarily, it allows us to directly affect the autonomic (involuntary) nervous system.

Slow, sustained, conscious breathing produces different brain wave activity than is present under normal conditions. Herbert Benson,M.D., who first researched this phenomenon, called it the Relaxation Response.

When we focus awareness on our breath and do deep, diaphragmatic or soft-belly breathing, we allow an internal transformation to begin. We become more alive in the present moment and more quiet and tranquil on the inside. In short, we learn to relax, to become the master of our stress.

Try it right now. Begin to be aware of the gentle inflow and outflow of air in your body. Relax your eyes, your shoulders, and let your tongue drop away from the roof of your mouth. Really notice the feeling of the breath, the physical experience of the breath in your body. See if you can imagine a small balloon in your belly. As you breathe in, imagine that balloon gently expanding. As you breathe out, allow the balloon to retract. Stay with this soft-belly breathing for a few breaths. Then, as you breathe in, say to yourself the word "Be." As you breathe out, say to yourself the word, "Calm."

What do you notice as a result of your few moments of breath awareness?

2. Deepened experience of the Divine.

In many ancient languages, the word for breath has multiple meanings. Prana - the Sanskrit word for breath - also means spirit, life energy, or universal energy. Likewise in Hebrew and in Greek the words for spirit and breath are the same - ruach in Hebrew, pneuma in Greek. In Latin, anima means both breath and soul; spiritus has the dual meaning of breath and spirit. Our English word inspiration also refers to this duality, denoting the act of breathing in as well as becoming inhabited by Spirit.

This lesson in language points to the belief that breath is more than just an exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide in our bodies - it is in fact the stirring of the nonphysical essence within us, the movement of spirit in matter. It is my belief that when we consciously breathe, we are also inviting in more of Spirit and expanding our experience and understanding of the Divine.

3. Enhanced self-awareness and self-understanding.

In the yogic breathing practice called pranayama we learn to control and harness the patterns of breathing and thus the flow of life energy in the body. By doing so, we can affect the nervous system in powerful and health-giving ways. Through this practice, we can also learn to direct the breath into particular areas of the lungs and expand their capacity to take in more oxygen with each breath.

Patanjali, the teacher and scribe who first codified the teachings of yoga, said that when one begins the practice of learning to control the breath through pranayama, "it removes the veils." The breath is normally under subconscious control; when we begin to bring it under our conscious control, we gradually become more aware of other parts of ourselves which have been unconscious. We become more aware of ourselves in new ways. We begin to know ourselves more deeply.

The breath can be a powerful ally in our lives. It is always present to receive our conscious focus and guide us to deeper mindfulness. If we only allow it, the breath can link body, mind, heart and soul together -- improving our health, connecting us to our spiritual nature and deepening our understanding of ourselves in new and fresh ways.

Be with your breath!

Sandi Anders, M.Div., R.Y.T., is a contributor to The Guide to Self-Help Books, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-Help Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-help resources. She teaches stress mastery skills through psycho-spiritual life coaching, and yoga and meditation instruction. She writes self-help articles on stress management and has produced a best-selling relaxation CD.

(c) 2005 Permission is granted to reprint this article in print or on your website as long as the paragraph above is included.

You will find many great resources to help you learn about conscious breathing in the Stress Management and Relaxation Self-Help Books Section of The Guide!

If you like to listen as well as read, one of our favorites is Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing, an audio CD by Andrew Weil.

Another great product that Sandi has used frequently over the years is Conscious Breathing: Breathwork for Health, Stress Release, and Personal Mastery by Gay Hendricks.

Reminder --

Be sure to check out David's Pick of the Month. Each Tuesday David posts a new review of a favorite book. A listing of all of the reviews from previous weeks may be seen in the Archive of Past Picks of the Month.

Recent additions to The Guide to Self-Help Books:

In the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Section:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

If you have not already done so, please visit our other new sites:

www.DavidYarian.com

www.SpiritedLoving.com

www.Imagery4Relaxation.com

That's all for this issue. We look forward to your comments, questions or suggestions.

You can drop us a line at SelfHelpCentral@Books4SelfHelp.com.