• In This Issue . . . .

• Banner and Text Links to The Guide to Self-Help Books

• Communicate What You Feel: How to be Understood By Those You Love
  by David Yarian, Ph.D.

• The "Be-Do-Have" Paradigm: Attracting What You Want
  by Sandi Anders, M.Div.

• Announcements
  

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Good communication is of fundamental importance in intimate relationships. The ability to accurately differentiate between the internal experiences of feeling, thought and sensation is basic to this process.

The astonishing diversity of the English language allows many opportunities for misunderstanding. One example of this lack of precision is how the word "feel" can be used to express a number of quite different internal experiences.

It can refer to emotion -- "I feel upset about what just happened." It is often used colloquially to refer to a thought or belief: "I feel that the world would be a better place if..." It can also be used to refer to physical touch or bodily sensation: "I feel feverish." "This tabletop feels smooth."

Since "feelings" are central in intimate relationships, it is vital that we have a workable approach to speaking plainly, if we are to be understood by those who are important to us.

Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy, based his approach to clear and accurate communication on precise reporting of in-the-moment awareness. He believed that sharing one's present-tense awareness was the quickest route to self-knowledge and true intimate communication.

He stated that all internal experience could be categorized as arising from sensation, emotion, or thought. Clear communication requires that the person speaking about his experience accurately denote which category of information is being transmitted.

A way to practice these distinctions is to make statements beginning with variations of one of three phrases: "I see..."; "I feel..."; or "I imagine...". Perls called this exercise the Awareness Continuum.

"I see..." refers to information taken in by the senses -- sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell. "I feel..." communicates internal states of emotion -- anger, hurt, sadness, joy. "I imagine..." describes mental acts -- thinking, believing, or imagining.

The person practicing the Awareness Continuum simply speaks aloud (or writes) his or her awareness of the moment-by-moment internal experiences that come to the forefront of conscious attention.

As an example of the Awareness Continuum, here is my current internal experience as I am writing these words:

I see the computer monitor on which these words are appearing; I feel the computer keys under my fingertips; I hear the clicking sound as I type. (Sensory Awareness).

I'm enjoying the process of describing the awareness continuum; I'm happy it's Friday afternoon; I'm worried that my son's birthday card won't reach him in time for his birthday. (Emotional Awareness).

I'm thinking about what to write next; I'm thinking that this writing needs to be particularly clear and understandable. (Awareness of Thoughts).

Although this exercise is artificial -- we don't usually speak this way to our loved ones! -- it is a useful way to practice the skill of speaking about our internal experience with precision.

In an intimate relationship accurate communication about emotions is of the utmost importance. We often make guesses about what our partner's mood or emotional state is -- based on observing minute non-verbal cues like a raised eyebrow, a certain look, a gesture or their tone of voice.

When these guesses are inaccurate (as they often are), elaborate chains of misunderstanding may develop as our incorrect inferences lead to responses which only amplify the confusion.

One way to sidestep this potential dilemma: when in doubt as to what your partner's mood or feeling is -- ask! And hopefully, they will share what's going on with them so that it is understandable and clear.

Experiment with the Awareness Continuum -- use it as a template to become more precise in your communication about your internal experience. I think you will reap the benefits of having fewer misunderstandings and more clear communication in your primary relationships!

David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-Help Books, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-Help Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-help resources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. He writes self-help articles on stress relief.

(c) 2005 Permission is granted to reprint this article in print or on your website as long as the paragraph above is included.

Does the following statement sound familiar to you?

"If only I could HAVE a certain thing (enough money, free time, resources, new car,etc.), I would DO a certain thing (travel, do more fun activities, buy the things I want, etc.) and then I would BE a certain way (peaceful, calm, happy,etc.)."

This line of reasoning is sometimes referred to as the HAVE-DO-BE paradigm.

When we approach our lives in this way, we only postpone the outcomes that we most want, and keep ourselves from the happiness that is rightfully ours. By directing our efforts toward the DO and the HAVE side of life, the state of BE-ING (joy, creativity, freedom) that we seek is always conditional upon what we DO or HAVE.

I believe that reversing this way of thinking better serves us -- and propels us toward having more of what it is we most want. Why not choose to BE what we ultimately seek (peaceful, joyous, free) and allow the things we want to DO and HAVE to flow from that BE- ING? If we want success or companmionship we are far more likely to manifest those realities if we are peaceful or joyous or free.

This is the BE-DO-HAVE paradigm -- and it has powerful consequences. Here is how it works.

There are laws which govern the Universe, such as the Law of Gravity. The Law of Gravity is always consistent: if we fall from a high cliff, we will find ourselves rapidly moving toward the bottom of that cliff.

As the Law of Gravity governs the behavior of falling bodies, the Law of Attraction is a spiritual principle that governs how we bring into existence what we seek in life. The Law of Attraction states that we magnetize or draw towards ourselves whatever we give our focus and attention to.

This is different from living in a state of yearning, or chronic wanting. ("I wish I could..") Rather it is about choosing the experience one wants ("I am grateful...") and allowing the details to work themselves out. Wanting only begets more wanting.

Neale Donald Walsh puts it this way:

"Most people believe that if they 'have' a thing (more time, money, love - whatever) then they can finally 'do' a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will enable them to 'be' a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love). In actuality, they are reversing the Be-Do-Have paradigm. In the Universe as it really is (as opposed to how you think it is), 'havingness' does not produce 'beingness' but the other way around. First you 'be' the thing called 'happy' (or 'knowing', or 'wise', or 'compassionate', or whatever) then you start 'doing' things from this place of beingness - and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you've always wanted to 'have.'" Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, (Book 3)

Here are some suggestions for putting the BE-DO-HAVE paradigm into practice in your life:

1. Clarify what you want.

Get clear about what you really want to HAVE or DO in your life. Visualize in detail the satisfying career, the shiny new car, the vacation home, the perfect companion, the ability to do what you want whenever you want. Don't hold back -- really allow yourself to acknowledge that which you most desire.

2. Imagine having/doing it.

Focus your thoughts on what your life will be like once you have or do what you most want. Use all of your senses to imagine this state of BE-ING. How will you feel, what will you see, hear, taste or touch after you have that which you really want? Take time to fully imagine enjoying your heart's desire, visualizing the experience, breathing life into the images you see.

It is often helpful to write these images down. Here are some suggestions to get your writing started:

"In my perfect alternate universe I (am/have/do) . . ."

"When I have it my way . . . "

"I am so grateful and happy that . . . "

3. Allow yourself to go ahead and have the feeling - now.

Holding on to the feeling inside that comes as you imagine your perfected life, look for opportunities to feel that feeling -- now!

Elyse Hope Killoran suggests that one keep a "To BE" list for the day. Many of us are used to starting out our day with a "To Do" List. How might your day be different if you started out each day with an intention about who you want to BE that day?

For example:
I am PEACE. I am JOY. I am LOVE. I am COMPASSION.

For each intention, think of ways to actualize what you have imagined. List things to DO today to BE more of what you intend.

For example:
Today I am CENTERED: I meditate, I breathe consciously, I smile at myself and at others.

Living the BE - DO - HAVE paradigm takes practice. It may seem backwards at first, for we are programmed to believe that our primary source of happiness, joy or contentment lies outside us.

But give it a try! Try BEING today whatever it is that you most value -- and see what happens!

Click on Elyse Hope Kiloran for more information about her work.

Click on Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, (Book 3) for more information.

Sandi Anders, M.Div., R.Y.T., is a contributor to The Guide to Self-Help Books, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-Help Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-help resources. She teaches stress mastery skills through psycho-spiritual life coaching, and yoga and meditation instruction. She writes self-help articles on stress management and has produced a best-selling relaxation CD.

(c) 2005 Permission is granted to reprint this article in print or on your website as long as the paragraph above is included.

Reminder!

Be sure to check out David's Pick of the Month. Each Tuesday David posts a new review of a favorite book. A listing of all of the reviews from previous weeks may be seen in the Archive of Past Picks of the Month.

The What's New Section this month features new books on addiction and recovery from Hazelden. Check it out!

Recent additions to The Guide to Self-Help Books:

In the Addictions Self-Help Books Section:

Born to Lose: Memoirs of a Compulsive Gambler
by Bill Lee

A Currency of Hope
by Debtors Anonymous

Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
by Rachel Reiland

How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously
by Jerrold Mundis

A Place Called Self: Women, Sobriety and Radical Transformation
by Stephanie Brown

In the Grief Self-Help Books Section:

Lost Fathers: How Women Can Heal from Adolescent Father Loss
by Laraine Herring

In the Health and Wellness Self-Help Books Section:

What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Fibromyalgia: The Revolutionary Treatment That Can Reverse The Disease
by R. Paul St. Amand, M.D., and Claudia Craig Marek

What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Fibromyalgia Fatigue: The Powerful Program That Helps You Boost Your Energy and Reclaim Your Life
by R. Paul St. Amand, Claudia Craig Marek

In the Spirituality Self-Help Books Section:

Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue (Book 3)
by Neale Donald Walsch

In the Women's Issues Self-Help Books Section:

A Place Called Self: Women, Sobriety and Radical Transformation
by Stephanie Brown

If you have not already done so, please visit our other new sites:

www.DavidYarian.com

www.SpiritedLoving.com

www.Imagery4Relaxation.com

That's all for this issue. We look forward to your comments, questions or suggestions.

You can drop us a line at Info@Books4SelfHelp.com.